When adultery and LGBT are decriminalised and the social fabric is being disrupted so to say, what is the sanctity of marriages in our lives? I all but questioned the Court’s wisdom, when eighty five couples married this year, all of the same institution, and felicitated, by its very charming chairman, who himself had been married for more than 60 years. It rang a bell that craved for answers to the universally vexing question of marriage and what makes it tick.
A French proverb from the early sixteenth century is ‘les mariages se font au ciel’ meaning ‘marriages are made in heaven’. For those married, once a year, there comes a beautiful moment when both cherish and rejoice all those unique moments they have spent together, pause to reflect on the wonderful relationship they have and how the two of them courageously went through the ups and downs of life. Is love beyond human volition and understanding? Is marriage a religious tenet? Is there a cosmic significance to love translating to marriage? Does marriage capture the special essence of love? For one, marriage involves commitment and responsibility. Can this responsibility and love be real when there is no marriage to bind? Can marriage be the antithesis of a proverbial forbidden fruit? Before countering the highly fairy_tale_ish belief, suppose one were to say that marriages aren’t made in heaven, rather they are made on earth and a lot of work goes into making them even remotely earthly, forget divine.
First heart and mind need to synergise. For relationships to last, regardless of whether people concerned are married or not, a mix of genetics, physical appearance and emotions are a must. The ones made in the heart rust with time, the ones made in the mind lack intimacy, the ones made in both heart and mind last. Where is the place for heaven in this? Then, is love enough to sail through? If loving someone were enough to make a relationship work, most people wouldn’t have the problems they do. Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what one is looking for, then one can go and live with a car battery. Love doesn’t cancel out the problems and if we don’t understand the type of behaviour that needs to accompany love, we will be throwing our energy in all the wrong places. A good marriage probably is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal.
The Institution of marriage is being challenged today like it never has been. On a lighter note, a good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. Divorces seem to have permeated the living rooms to the discomfiture of an older generation. Live-ins are equally disrupting the value proposition. The dilemma seems to see marriage as a union in which both people have a hold on each other that strips away the other’s freedom. The truth is marriage does not mean the two have lost their freedom. It needs to be recognised that the two are still two individuals who have chosen to share their lives together. However, many of us believe marrying the one we love will fill our lives with endless romance, passion and closeness that will always be there, almost as a matter of right. While the love and passion can always be there, there is no right that one can exercise, since many of these esoteric thoughts are illusory. A healthy marriage filled with love, passion and closeness is possible, but will come with a lot of effort. Love is a lot like a backache; It doesn’t show up on X-Rays, But you know it’s there.
Several people are incompatible to begin with, marry each other and live happily ever after. On the other hand, there are any number of couples whose so called romance is full of their hearts but eventually end up on the altar of divorce. For a successful marriage, nobody need to be exactly the same. Above all ego needs to be kept aside. Individual egos like who makes more money? Who is in the press more? Who gets more perks? are all to be discarded, for a bond of love. Being supportive, sharing experiences, respecting the relationship, forgiving, sacrificing, compromising and above all keeping the romance going in life is important. Does heaven play a role in such efforts?
Are divorces also made in heaven and executed by courts on earth? When a divorce is granted, inevitably all the above enumerated goodies have gone out of not one, but two lives. Early Indian marriages and even today, several are not even registered. The sheer inability to fend for oneself keep many going beyond the proverbial breaking point. Divorces can be messy with the two, searching, what defined their love in the first place. About 50% marriages end up in divorce in the US. 20% in our Country. How many survive, but are as good as dead is anybody’s guess. While we debate relevance of marriages, there are countries that do not allow divorce like the Philippines, the Vatican City and the British Crown. Valentine’s Day may not be the best to remember that relationships don’t always work out. All the same, couples celebrating lovers’ anniversary with a candle-lit dinner will not necessarily live happily ever after. The law does not seem to have kept up.
The current generation, ever innovative, is experimenting a live-in concept, in which an unmarried couple lives together in a long term relationship that resembles a marriage, may be, to test their compatibility before they commit to a legal union or maintain their single status for financial reasons. Whatever the reasons, the number of couples living together outside of marriage have been rising alarmingly in recent times, stressing the social fabric. It is a very personal and subjective matter which might or might not work for everyone. It can be a cause of concern for women, more so who might suffer harassment or insecurity, being in a relationship that guarantees very little in terms of security. Does the current generation need a new model of what is termed marriage?
Today, marriage seems to be less of a “must” with a growing number of children born having parents who are not married. Does this mean the end of genealogy as we know it? How will our software programs handle couples living together, but not married as happens in Bhutan? What about mothers who do not live with their children’s father? Will we have to devise a new system for keeping track of people?
Are then marriages made out of convenience? This may appear so in many Indian marriages. The partners don’t appear to have much of a connection, and have probably contemplated divorce, but decided to stay together, perhaps because of parental duty, or that they can’t sell their home or afford a divorce.
Until these vexing questions are answered, and the laws become more progressive and are interpreted with a lot more compassion, we define the institution of marriage as one of compassion or as one made in heaven as a matter of routine debate. It is better to believe that marriage is about commitment, giving, taking and understanding. The fact that one would want to spend an entire life with someone and be a part of their everyday life means that one is ready to share everything, compromise somewhere, and agree to trust the partner. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. Unequivocal trust is what then defines marriage. But then, is not trust that defines every relationship? Above all the belief that marriage is not just spiritual communion and passionate embraces, but is also three-meals-a-day and remembering to carry the trash out, that does the trick, irrespective of how and what the Courts may interpret.